ASK THE EXPERT: DR. MARIO TALKS UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE
McSweeney’s gets expert commentary from one Dr. Mario:
The other day, Nurse Toadstool and I talked in the break room over reheated mushroom casserole. She appeared sad. She mentioned turning a Goomba away because his health insurance wouldn’t give him enough gold coins for treatment. Then I realized why the same viruses continue to appear again and again. Each time we turn a patient away for financial reasons, not only are we denying care to the poorest creatures, who often need it the most, but we’re putting the disease back into the world, where it continues to spread. Furthermore, the patients I do treat get hooked on my expensive medicine. Mushroom Kingdom’s health-care system has turned into a sick, addictive game…
Here are some of the myths I shamefully propagated.
MYTH ONE
Mushroom Kingdom has the best
health care of any gaming worldConsider the hostile planet Zebes, which the female warrior Samus liberated many years ago. The Metroid viruses native to that planet are as nefarious as they are diverse. Among the viruses cataloged are Side Hoppers, Geegas, and fire-generating Gerutas. But Zebes, a planet larger than the Mushroom Kingdom, has reformed its health system. Free help comes in the form of Chozo statues. Is there a waiting period to receive this help? Yes, and oftentimes one needs to fire a rocket at a red door just to get treatment. It’s a small nuisance when you consider that you get an energy orb that grants full life. Not even my Megavitamins can make that claim.
Dr. Mario Weighs In on Universal Health Care. [McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, thanks Alex!]
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